People Don't Know How to Love You
It's true, people don't know how to love you or what you want from them. That sounds a little selfish to approach another human being in terms of what you want from them, but if you don't actively think about these things, you'll end up with a bit of a problem. Here's why:
I was reading an article the other day about how the biggest problem in marriages isn't adultery, lying, or toxic communication (which are actually all symptoms of the main issue)-- but in actuality it is unfit expectations! We walk into all of your relationships, not just intimate, with expectations of how the relationship should be, how the dynamics will play out, and essentially, how we want the other person to be there for us.
Again, totally sounds super selfish-- but it's normal! To illustrate my point and how to really go about it in a way that's productive for both people in the relationship, I'll bring my lovely mother in as an example. I expect my relationship with my mom for instance to play out a certain way. She's not the person that I go to the movies with or hang out with on a Friday night, but she's everything to me and I want her in my life as much as possible.
"You see, people don't know how you want them in your life, they have their own expectations of you and will try and hold you as closely to them as they can."
And I'm sure she wants the same (actually, I know that lol). But she has her own agenda for me and my life-- she hopes I turn out a certain way, that I have certain habits, and that I talked to her about certain things. These things definitely don't always align with who you actually are but that doesn't mean there has to be a clash or that you do away with the relationship! For instance, my mom would love for me to be a lawyer, making a killing, and probably married right now with some kids on the way. That isn't the life that I want right now, and she understands that-- but can't help but want the best for me. "The best"-- whatever that means to her.
You see, people don't know how you want them in your life, they have their own expectations of you and will try and hold you as closely to them as they can. My mom used to spend a lot of time worrying and pushing me towards the ideal version of me that she wanted; in her mind so that I could have a successful life and be happy. It wasn't what I wanted, but I wasn't going to push my mother away for wanting the best for me. So I communicated with her my expectations and essentially showed her how I wanted her to be in my life. In the past few years, I've shared my vision with her, my wants, my needs, my goals, and shown her how passionate I am about the future I'm trying to create for myself.
She may not agree with it at all times but she understands where I want to be and it's great. I feel like over the years, she's become my life coach that is helping me go after the life that I want. I've essentially taught her how I want her to be there for me; what role I want her to play and how to love me. I don't need her worrying about when I'm having kids, so I figured I'd teach her how I'd have her spend that energy instead. We both want the best for me, so why not work together to create that?
And it's a two-way street! I've figured out what her needs and wants are and I've chosen to meet those.
So you see, people don't know how to love you-- so you essentially have to teach them. "I'd like your support with this...." Talk about your emotions and what bothers you about the way they perceive you: "You don't take my goals seriously, you think it's a joke or that I'm going to just give up on this." Guide them. If they truly do love you, they will want to play the part.
You get me?
Good. I hope this article came at a good time especially for all you folks that are about to have a reunion with A LOT of family members tomorrow on Thanksgiving! Please try not to dread seeing anyone-- love them for who they are. And this isn't a one way street, if people are to love you how you want to be loved, they must drop their expectations of you and realign them with who you really are. So on that note, you have to do the same with others!
It's only fair!! Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!!
Onkar out. 💪🏽🙌🏽